


the past is a grotesque animal

by gonnaflynow



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Character Study, First Kiss, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Pining, Repressed Desires, erunile - Freeform, spoilers for chapter 57 but only sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-16
Updated: 2014-06-16
Packaged: 2018-02-04 21:00:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1793068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gonnaflynow/pseuds/gonnaflynow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Erwin is taken away by the Military Police, Nile summons the courage for an overdue visit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the past is a grotesque animal

**Author's Note:**

> Pretty sure this is the closest I’ve ever written to true canon Erwin. I’m proud of that. Hope you enjoy.

It had been four days since the Military Police had taken him away, and Erwin was growing restless. The guard outside his holding cell spoke little, only to alert him once a day when a meal had arrived, and other than a sliver of a window that revealed half brick pavement and half the open sky, there was no contact with the outside world. He wondered if Hange had seen him go into the carriage, had alerted someone to keep a watch as he was ferried deep within enemy territory. He wondered if someone hadn’t been sent out to catch her and her squad – catch or kill. There had been rumors that Kenny Ackerman… but there was nothing to be done now. 

Hange, he knew, and Levi, could hold their own in an interrogation. Their squads were a different story, especially the new Special Operations recruits… children. They were only children. The 104th had seen the horrors of the titans, yes, but not of their own species, and he wondered how quickly they would succumb to the malicious, blood-stained hands of the First Brigade. Perhaps they would only be used as pawns to pry information from their superiors, discarded afterward once the Squad Leaders had cracked and the “guilt” of the Legion had been sufficiently proven.

And then? And then they were all to die. But someone had to go first, to be made a spectacle of, Erwin had known all along. And who better than their one-armed, two-faced, traitorous commander? 

There was nothing he could do but to sit in the darkness and wait for the blade to come down over their heads.

 

Around midnight, by Erwin’s failing estimation, a pair of unsure footsteps roused him from his paltry sleep. The owner of the footsteps seemed to be speaking to someone in hushed tones, and moments later, the heavy footfall of the guard began to retreat down the hallway, and the sound disappeared with a loud slam and the grating sound of the bolt sliding into place.

Erwin sat up, intrigued. A shadowy figure stepped in front of the bars of his cell, fumbling with a large ring of keys attached to his belt, until the right one was finally found and the door swung open with a harsh squeal.

Nile Dawk stepped gingerly into the cell, shutting the door lightly behind him before meeting Erwin’s piercing blue eyes. 

“Good evening, Nile.”

“Erwin. Should have known you’d be up this late.”

“When you’ve been kept in a cell where sunlight is only a concept, time loses its meaning.” Erwin smiled, Nile returning the gesture tersely before it dropped off his face completely. “What brings you here, tonight?”

“Thought you could do with some news,” said Nile, scratching his head, “since you’ve been holed up in here with nothing to do but drive yourself to insanity.”

“Insanity?” Erwin laughed heartily as he stood from the makeshift bed, the sound bouncing off the walls and filling Nile’s ears. “According to you, I passed that mark long ago.”

“In some respects, yes,” Nile blustered, “but having too much time to think can make it worse. Especially for you.”

“I’ll keep that in mind in the future,” Erwin said, considering. “But I don’t want to distract from the topic of your visit.”

“Right. The news.” Nile paused, clearing his throat to buy some time. “Well, to be honest, it’s not much.”

Erwin’s eyes narrowed. “Regardless, I hope you see fit to share.”

"They're deciding what to do with you, you know." He kept his face carefully neutral, wanting to shield Erwin from an advance guess at the grim truth.

"And what's the general consensus?"

Nile didn't meet his eyes.

"Death."

Erwin turned away, hand clasping at air behind his back and searching out a limb that was no longer there. He concentrated on the tiny window of the holding cell.

"And your opinion on the matter?"

"Well of course I'm not voting to kill you, Erwin, who do you think I am, you know I—" Nile cut himself off, terrified of saying too much. Though Erwin's back was to him, he got the distinct impression that he hoped the sentence would not remain unfinished, but the end of Nile’s statement brought upon a line of thought which he would rather permit himself not to stray down.

After a few tense moments, Erwin broke the silence.

"Do you not have enough sway on the council to alter their decision? You, Zacklay, Pixis?"

"You know what it's like," Nile sighed defeatedly. "The nobles almost always win out, the military usually doesn’t have much sway in the first place, and they really won't have any of it this time after what they’re accusing you and the legion of… of doing to Dimo Reeves and his associates. I've been trying to convince them otherwise, we all have—"

"But it won't be enough."

Erwin whirled around, moving faster than a half-starved and crippled man ought, and walked pointedly towards Nile, whose vision was directed anywhere but the man in front of him. 

"Why are you here, Nile?"

The power of Erwin's gaze could not be ignored, though Nile struggled. His thoughts, which he had finally arranged into some sort of passable point, scattered like ashes.

With no response forthcoming, Erwin decided to try a different tactic. 

"What, come to gawp at the former commander of a defunct regiment," he said bitterly, "beaten to a shred of his former self? Left to rot in the cells of the Inner Walls?"

"Erwin, it's not like that, stop—"

"Then what is it like, Nile?"

Nile swallowed and took a deep breath, exhaling in an uncertain huff. 

"I have a... confession."

Of all the things Erwin was expecting to hear, this wasn't something that had crossed his mind; to him, it could only mean one thing. 

"Something you wanted me to hear before I fall forever deaf?"

"Erwin, stop it." Nile had begun to shake, arms crossed in front of his chest in a show of false bravery, or perhaps a defense of his next statement. "I already told you, we're trying to get you out of here, we're trying—"

Erwin held up his hand. 

"Forgive me, I interrupted." He persuaded his expression to go soft around the edges. "What is it you wanted to tell me?" 

"It's not important, look, I shouldn't be here, I should just leave..." Nile grabbed at his upper arms more intently, nails scratching quietly against the stiff fabric of his jacket.

"Nile." Erwin stepped closer, into his personal space: a little too close for comfort and meant to pull a reaction. It worked rather quickly – Nile gave in with another small huff.

"Fine. Okay, well, look, remember when we were trainees?"

This was nowhere near clear enough and they both knew it. 

"Of course."

"Well, remember our second year?"

It was apparent that Nile was stalling, but Erwin couldn’t think for what reason.

"I do, but what of it?"

The tips of Nile’s ears and cheeks face began to take on a flush, even in the damp chill of the basement.

"That time in the summer?” He waited for a spark of recognition and got none. “The one… where I tried… to kiss you…?”

Of all the events during their second year of military training, this was not the one Erwin expected Nile to bring up. 

"Well, it's kind of related."

Erwin's phantom arm began to clench its fist, the reason beyond his comprehension. He elected to stay silent and let his expression do the talking.

Nile’s face turned an even deeper shade of crimson, the color closely akin to the bolo tie around his neck. "I, look, I just, I just wanted..." 

This was volatile territory, Erwin was well aware of this, but he was nothing if not a risk taker – he wanted to test Nile’s reaction, find out what this was really about. He closed the gap between them, bringing his hand to Nile’s shoulder. "Do you want to sit down?"

Nile flinched away from the gesture, wanting to work through the moment on his own, but Erwin didn’t miss the reluctance of the action, or the way his pupils dilated.  

"No. Erwin, just let me do this." He set his feet wider apart to keep himself grounded, rocking back and forth on his heels as his hands locked behind his back.

"I wanted to tell you that I still feel that way about you. Erm, somewhat. A little. Not… you know." A light sheen of sweat had broken out on Nile’s forehead. He knew he was only digging himself into a deeper hole, and yet to his credit, he kept pushing forward. Erwin’s eyebrows slowly drifted upward as Nile pressed on, surprised at his resilience and the disclosure both. When Nile caught him staring, he threw his hands up in defeat.

“Alright, maybe it’s more than a little. It’s kind of a lot. I…” He gestured to the empty air, trying and failing to find the right word to convey the depth of his feelings. Erwin could sense he was fighting hard against his instinct to run. “It’s been for a while, and yeah, okay, it’s definitely bigger than a lot.” He ran a hand through his hair, the admission easing some of the weight off his conscience.

Erwin stood speechless. When Nile had kissed him that summer many years ago, he had politely but firmly declined his advances shortly afterward. He thought that had put an end to it. Apparently, he thought wrong.

"Nile, you have a family,” Erwin said slowly. “Children. Marie."

"I know, Erwin, don't make this harder than it is!" His voice had taken on a slight tremor, both fists clenched tightly at his sides in an effort to control his emotions. "I just had to tell you before... in case they..."

Erwin was, for the first time in remembrance, at a loss. While he wanted to offer some vestige of comfort to his long-time friend, he didn’t want to upset the equilibrium more than it already was by making a move that Nile could construe as a reciprocation of his feelings. Erwin had decided to lock down any romantic feelings long ago, discard them in pursuit of a goal. 

 _And for it to end up like this_ , he thought. _What a waste._

Nile had taken the time during his introspection to pull himself together, shoulders squared, head high.

"I've been keeping it to myself long enough. It was only fair that you know."

"Nile, sit down." Erwin shook his head in disbelief, placing his arm at the small of Nile’s back and leading him towards the bed. When he made no move to acquiesce to the request, Erwin was forced to give him another nudge in the right direction. He felt tremors running up and down Nile’s body and sat down next to him without giving much thought as to why that might be.

"I appreciate your honesty, I do,” Erwin began, lowering himself gingerly to the thin mattress, “and that you came forth with this to me." He tried not to think about the circumstances under which it was revealed, why Nile had waited until his imminent execution to tell him such a thing. "But Nile, this is bigger than us." He gently rested his hand on Nile’s thigh, a sign of reassurance that their friendship wasn't on the line. There was a flinch under his hand, slight but noticeable. "You have people relying on you: your soldiers, your wife, your two lovely daughters. You can't put that all at risk just to be with an invalid former commander. It wouldn't be right."

Nile had now gone very still, the tension running palpable through his limbs. Erwin pushed on. 

"I know this might also be coming from the fact that I may not be long for this world, and that what you might be feeling is a misinterpretation of—"

He was cut off by scratchy whiskers brushing his face and a pair of lips chapped from the sun.

"Don't pull that crap," Nile growled, fierce, animalistic, their lips now barely connected. "You don't get to tell me what my feelings are and aren't and analyze them with your... your psychobabble." He pulled back to look Erwin up and down and was amazed to find him in a state of shock, his hand hovering just over his mouth. "Do you know how long I've waited to tell you any of that? It's been a while, let me put that out there. I thought – stupidly – that if I waited for you, maybe you would come back to me."

Erwin's stomach seized up with guilt. It was one thing to deal with his own emotions, or those of angry opponents, but causing them in another, someone he was close to, and for so long...

His hand dropped weakly into his lap. Damn him for not catching on sooner. 

"I should have known you would go off and choose those stupid man-eating giants over anyone else," Nile continued, a sad sort of smirk on his face. "So I did what I had to. I settled with Marie, because I did love her at the time, and I still do, just... it's just not the same. And every time I heard you were going on another expedition I— Erwin, you have no idea what that's like, from an outsider's perspective." Erwin's phantom limb spasmed again, nails digging into the meat of a palm made of air. "I see why you wanted to stay unattached, you'd avoid exactly this sort of thing. But I guess you really didn't, when it comes down to it." 

Erwin had no way of guessing what kind of expression his face held, only that Nile saw fit to kiss it away, a dry hand cupping his cheek gently. He eventually pulled away, some of the earlier flush back on his face.

"Well, at least I know you're not going to end up in a titan's stomach now," he laughed, a watery quaver cutting a path through his relief. 

Erwin shook himself out of his stupor. Now was no time to get lost in his thoughts.

"I'm glad you got that out of your system, Nile, but you really have to leave." His eyes steeled over, the icy mask back in place. 

Nile stopped, the half-smile faltering on his face. 

"Why?" he asked, childlike.

"Why?" Erwin laughed, a soulless humor pervading his tone. "For all of the reasons I just gave you, and then some. I had hoped this would not ruin our friendship, but it appears I have no choice in the matter but to act bluntly."

"You always have a choice," Nile muttered. "You can choose to accept it."

"Accept it, and then what?" Erwin fixed him with an unsettling glare. "Why did you really come down here? I'm beginning to get the sense that it wasn't just to confess."

Nile broke out in a cold sweat, the small bottle of scented oil in his breast pocket pressing tightly against his chest.

"Nile. Nile look at me. I'll ask you again. Why did you come here tonight?" 

Erwin's voice was like a siren song – Nile's head moved stiffly, as if of its own accord. The way Erwin's eyes pierced through him left him feeling naked, all his fears and vulnerabilities exposed. His eyes shone, pleading Erwin to stop his deductions. 

"Nile," Erwin sighed, running a hand through his hair in an uncharacteristic show of nervousness. "I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to give me the truth. Can do you that for me?" Nile didn't answer immediately, dark eyes fixed on a point just beyond Erwin's shoulder. "I promise not to pass judgement, whatever your reasoning. I just want to find out what's going on."

"I really doubt even you can keep judgement out of this," said Nile, slowly. 

"If you won't tell me, I'm going to have to guess," Erwin said kindly. "I'd rather not be forced into that position. Take a minute to consider, if you wish." He stood and returned to the window, leaving Nile to wring his hands alone on the bed. 

"You... you promise you won't judge."

"I give you my sincere word."

A pause, and then: "Well. I. Well, then, I'll tell you." Nile swore he could hear Erwin's smile, just a slight lift to the corner of his mouth. It was one he saved for small victories, an allowance, one that Nile had seen many times over their years together. He could picture his face, if he closed his eyes.

"So, before that mind of yours goes too far down maybe the wrong path, I mostly came here to tell you the things from earlier." He could feel Erwin's silent request for more lapping at his collar. He tugged at it nervously, clearing his throat. "But I was hoping, that is, ah, if you were amenable..." 

Nile shut down, fists balling up at his sides. What was he thinking? What an idiot. He should have known Erwin wouldn't go along with this. 

"Nile?" Erwin turned around halfway, eyeing the other commander over his shoulder. 

"I can't."

"It will feel better once you get it out."

"H-how can you say that?"

"I'm no stranger to keeping secrets," Erwin said sadly, gaze drifting back to the window. 

Nile closed his eyes, reaching deep for any spare scrap of composure. Finding one, he took a deep breath and unfurled from his hunched position on the bed, walking to the opposite side of the cell. His head hovered a few inches from the stone wall, hands clasped tightly behind him and digging into the gear on his back.

"I was hoping you... I was hoping you might want to engage in relations."

Erwin was quiet for a moment, leaving Nile to stew in the adrenaline rush following his real confession. 

"You said you wouldn't judge," he whispered, a deep mortification bubbling up from his core and leaving him drained. 

"I'm not judging, I'm trying to think of what to say." Erwin repressed a sigh, pinching the skin between his eyebrows. 

"That's a first," Nile muttered under his breath. 

"Nile, look..." Erwin began uncertainly. "I know you want this. But I want to ask you, as your friend and as a man who is running out of time, to please respect my wishes. I want you to remember me as I am, how we have been in all our years. I don't want to taint those memories with last-minute sex in a filthy dungeon cell.” He saw Nile flinch at his blunt use of the term and continued with a strained sigh. “My heart isn’t in it, and though you have enough affection for both of us, that’s just not how these things work.”

Nile grit his teeth against the angry, frustrated tears budding in his eyes. 

"I know this is hard for you to hear, but please understand—"

"Understand _what_ , Erwin? The agony of being rejected _again_?!" He slammed a fist into the wall, the pain a welcome sensation. "I was hoping this would provide you, I don't know, some comfort or a distraction or something!" The grinding of his teeth could be heard across the cell. Erwin fought to retain his calm facade. "There's not a lot I can really do for you right now. I thought you would appreciate it!"

"Nile," Erwin said quietly. "Since when have you known me to take refuge in the arms of another?" He shook his head, a few strands of hair falling into his eyes. "Though I'm sorry to say it, I'm afraid your reasoning is selfish. You must have harbored doubts yourself about whether I would acquiesce to your request. Unless you think that minus an arm and stripped of my rank, I might get desperate."

Nile drew back with a sharp gasp. Erwin turned to him and crossed the room, the smile on his face not reaching his eyes. 

"Was I right?"

Nile's back hit the bars of the cell, quaking.

"How could you," he muttered. "How could you assume I would think so poorly of you?"

"Desperate men take desperate actions, Nile. I've seen worse. Now, you didn't answer my question."

Nile swallowed and licked his lips, hands digging tightly enough into the rusty iron to slice the skin. 

“I was only going to do it if you wanted to,” he said slowly. “I would… I could never hurt you like that.” Something in Erwin’s gaze remained unconvinced. Nile straightened up on shaking legs. “You’re my colleague. And my friend. And I wouldn’t want to, to force you or anything, that’s just out of the question…”

“That’s all I needed to hear,” Erwin sighed. “Because, truthfully, if you did try to force me, I’m not sure I would have the strength to resist you.”

Nile’s face sobered immediately. “If getting what I want means hurting you to do it, then it’s not something I’m willing to take part in.” He cupped his right hand in his left, tracing the lines of his palm with a slow touch. “I’m sorry, Erwin.”

“I still am glad you told me,” Erwin said quietly. “It must have taken a great deal of courage. I admire that, Nile. I admire a great many things about you.”

“You shouldn’t.” Nile’s gaze went cold.

“If it makes it easier,” said Erwin, reaching forward and gently touching Nile’s clasped hands, “we can strike this from the record books. Pretend it never happened. If you’d like.”

“I… no. I don’t want that. That’s what happened last time.” He removed his hands from under Erwin’s, courteously. “It might have been the wrong decision to tell you, or at least under these circumstances, but I won’t take it back.”

Erwin’s hand retreated behind his back. “You’re a good man, Nile Dawk. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”

“You keep thinking that, Smith,” Nile scoffed, fingering the keys around his waist anxiously. 

“You don’t need me to dismiss you, you know,” said Erwin. “If you need to remove yourself from here, please feel free to do so.”

“In a minute.” Nile located the right key and opened the door, letting it hang in the lock in a gesture of closure. “I’m not just going to leave on this note.”

Erwin offered him a smile, just a slight lift to the corner of his mouth. 

“I’ll do whatever I can to get you out of this,” said Nile, grey eyes charged with emotion and locking fiercely with Erwin’s. “No matter what they think, I believe you.”

“I never doubted you for a minute.”

“And I’ll make sure to talk to Pixis and Zacklay again tomorrow morning before the council reconvenes, if you think that would help.”

“It certainly can’t hurt anything.”

“And… Erwin?” He paused, the uncertainty back again.

“Nile?”

“Just… take care of yourself.”

Erwin smiled, the laugh lines around his eyes wrinkling, as he gave a left-armed salute.

“I’ll do my best.”

Nile gave a curt nod, letting the persona of the Military Police commander fall back into place. He stepped over the threshold of the cell, shutting the door with a soft clang and locking Erwin up once more, and was gone as quietly as he came. 

Erwin fell back to the bed with a thump, not even registering the return of the guard as he tried to clear the pounding in his head. When at last his calm had returned, it didn’t take long for him to fall into a fitful slumber, dreams full of large mouths and larger blades, and a helpless Nile watching from the crowd.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Yay yay yay to [crowley-kingoftrunks](http://crowley-kingoftrunks.tumblr.com), she is the best beta! I always love hearing your thoughts especially when I try different things like this, so if you have any leave a comment or drop a line to [snk-sexual](http://snk-sexual.tumblr.com). :)
> 
> (ps it is also entirely syd's fault for that fucking title even though I'm the one who suggested it in the first place. wow sorry not sorry bagroommmm *jetpacks into her poor lovesick puppy high school past*)


End file.
